Princess
by j.charles @ textproductions
“I fell in love with this fish who got caught in my net/
but yo, she burnt my scene up like David Koresh/
I guess a diamond ain’t nothin’ but a rock wit’ a name/
I guess love aint’ nuttin’ but emotional gain.”- De la soul
So we’ve all made mistakes in our life. Wouldn’t you agree? In fact it just may be true that behind every man in prison there is a story about how a woman got him there. The ultimate question at that point becomes this; did she get you there, or did your actions put you there? This story is for the women, almost exclusively. It’s an answer to the question of “why does he act like that?”
He acts like that because you’re not the first. And since you’re not the first there are a few remaining feelings attached to the ones before you. Some bitches are bad for you from the very beginning. Some bitches wait until you start to trust them (or, until it’s too late). Some bitches want to fuck up your head, feeling most comfortable in drama. Some bitches just don’t know that they’re fucked up. They’ve lived such horrible lives, had such horrible things done to them, that they don’t know anything else, they just don’t.
Some girls, (not referred to as bitches for a reason) some girls just want what is best for their man, no matter what the cost to them or their relationship. Some girls do absolutely whatever it takes to progress their “man” and his image, career, or home. These are women strong in self and vision, women satisfied with place, regardless of want. They are also girls who haven’t had the knife in the heart romance.
These women, as far as I’m concerned and knowing my place as a modern man, absolutely do not exist. Every single girl I’ve come into contact with since my teens has either seemed too good to be true and delivered on it or given me reason to be weary in the first place.
The example presented for inquest is that of “Princess”; a twenty five year old mother of two daughters ages five and two. Princess is twice divorced and currently lives alone in a home she finances solely by herself. A very modern “independent” woman, princess has convoluted any meaningful contact with a man by the love of her children.
She believes that since men have done her so wrong she does not deserve to be treated right. Which is why she lives alone (and why it is true). I myself have pursued princess in years past, allowed myself to fall for the idea that there is one woman who deserves to be treated better than the rest. I bought her dinner that I saved for for so long. I bought seasonal flowers ever time I went to see her, bought exotic chocolates and things for her to give to her daughters, which I refused to meet until we had some sort of real relationship. (I never met them.) But the money means dick in this situaiton. It was the gesture. i thought she deserved it.
Perfect on my part right? Maybe at the time, but no. I was trying to “save” a woman that wished not to be saved. On the contrary, she wished to continue living in a lonely world. She wanted to devote her entirety to her children. This is not my issue, of course. Princess is and always will be a phenomenal parent, but that’s just it. You can’t be a parent all the time. It is perfectly natural and necessary to long for companionship. Even Freud, a cocaine heroine freak agreed to this.
Ultimately in the fact that I was good is how I managed not to achieve any sort of attachment to princess. I knew I wanted good for her, but I also knew she didn’t want anyone to be good to her. I even got her to admit it to me. She pushed away from anyone who became significant to her, based on her previous attempts at loyalty.
End result? This ultra virtuous woman allowed me to figure out myself and what it takes to satisfy and nurture another’s needs. She also gave me the understanding that is the bulk of this story. Read enough into this to understand that I thought this chick was the top notchest. Which is why It really fucked me up to when she….
She decided to tell me in a text message after one of those dinners I couldn’t afford. She had a boyfriend, and she couldn’t continue to see me anymore. She was sorry for everything she put me trough, sorry for all the lies, sorry for the time I wasted with her, but she couldn’t decide between us. She could’ve turned me into what she is so easily.
I guess I got took, looking back on it. I should have been a little more hip to what I saw. But I denied my instincts, which ended up being as proper a digital clock. i was guilty of dropping my guard. She wasn’t all to blame, and I knew that. But in the other hat there has to be a person who you can trust with more than your dick.
But your boy j.charles turned the other cheek, and with no emotion whatsoever, wrote this little chunk explaining why we act like this; because of everyone before you. If you love him, then fill that role. If you don’t, then don’t be a bitch. If you know you’re fucked up in the head, for god’s sake don’t procreate. Please, for the love of hip hop, don’t procreate.
Princess, as it turns out, seems to have taught me more about myself than I have fully understood. It takes a lot to simply turn and burn once you’ve tried to put so much emotion into one thing. But trying is the problem. You can’t love if you’re trying. It just happens that way. And you can’t hate unless you try. And eventually, no matter which end of the spectrum you try to achieve, you lose heart. It doesn’t matter if it’s good or bad as long as it ends. Bitch.